I had a rather unpleasant dream last night which was probably in response to yesterday’s post where I let my ego know that the less than positive thoughts, emotions and ways of being are also accepted. This has led me to believe that some purging may be taking place within my being as old energies are processed this way.

In the dream, my ex husband (who represents old patterns such as fear, manipulation, anger, feeling small and unworthy) was colluding with me in plans to stab the residents who now live at my previous address. The details are at times vague, but I recall walking with him along a road near where I lived as a child (this is not the same area where my previous address is, but dreams often combine aspects to make a point) towards my childhood home, which was now the same as my previous address. At some point he disappeared, then returned running saying he had stabbed one to death, but couldn’t kill the others, so we had to get away…fast. I was consumed by fear, and we ran.

The dream changed a bit and I was now inside my current home but I had a complete view of my previous address, which was now boarded up and had police tape around it due to the attacks. I could just see into my old bedroom and I realised my old journals and diaries were still there. I desperately wanted to retrieve them but realised I  could not because I would draw attention to myself and at that point no one knew I was involved in the attacks. There were a few other people around me but I felt completely isolated in my knowledge of what had happened. I wanted to reach out and say how I felt but I was too scared. What if they judged me? What if I was sent down for murder? I had never felt so trapped in my life.

Then I found myself outside a building where I was going to see a woman about my upcoming trial. Presumably I had been charged with something but the dream did not show this. Somehow I knew the woman was not a lawyer. I walked in and she told me to simply tell it as it is…tell the truth.

There was a trial but some of the dream is vague. However, I vividly recall taking a break and going to the toilet. While sitting on it my ex husband appeared outside and asked me what I was saying to the jury. I was scared because I knew deep down he would be charged with murder but I would not. He pulled the toilet door open and started to attack me. He lashed at my face and so I turned and lashed back at him. As we were engaged in this fight, I saw a face at a window watching us. Again, I felt intense fear, this time that the man watching would see that I could be violent and believe me capable of the terrible murders. Maybe I would be charged after all and sent to prison.

Unfortunately I don’t know how the dream ended, but perhaps that is the point. In dreams as in life, the power is in my hands. I don’t feel any obvious animosity towards my ex in my waking life. However, what he represents in me is most significant: fear. The references to my childhood home and my old address both point to old identities and ways of being that perhaps feel under attack as I move to healthier ways of being. The need for my diaries and journals, in which I recorded my emotions since I was 16 years old, suggest attachment to certain energies and experiences that I use to define my self.

Feeling trapped and fearing prison re all about judgement, feeling on trial, which both have their foundations in fear and limitation. Underneath it all is a terrible sense of disconnect and separation, feelings so extreme that I colluded with my ex to murder someone (a part of my being) and felt such shame that I feared being sent down for it. I notice that using the term ‘down’ can also be understood metaphorically as I travel into the depths of my subsconscious! The toilet also points to shame and the need to let go, but also, conversely, feeling unable to do so (ex throwing open the door).

I am grateful that my subconscious has thrown up these energies in my nightly dream: In making the subconscious conscious, I can be aware of what demands my attention and welcome it, even those things which refuse to leave or pull me into thoughts and feelings I would prefer not to have. In the depth of my being, everything is accepted.








Note to self

Most people are doing the best they can with what they have/know, even if it doesn’t seem like it (and it often doesn’t!). This doesn’t mean one can’t feel angry/frustrated/sad/peed off/whatever in response to another person or situation, or have to be understanding or grateful no matter what! It’s about being aware of ourselves and others, aware that no one knows what is going on with someone else, or what brought them to where they are today. Above all it’s about being gentle with yourself even if you don’t feel the way you wish you did or behaved how you wanted to. You are where you are for a reason even if it makes no sense, and you’re doing just great in this mysterious game we call life.

Ultimate okayness with everything

I’ve been noticing how my bid to nurture a more positive and grateful mindset on a daily basis has provoked the ego into making judgements about the darker thoughts and feelings that also, naturally, crop up from time to time.

To my limited ego, focusing on happiness and gratitude is like saying ‘Sorry, you can’t feel sad/angry/jealous/frustrated/inset other word anymore.’ It tries very hard to get it right because it thinks it is always getting it wrong.

I want my ego to know that it isn’t getting it wrong at all. I understand why it feels that way. As the witness to my thoughts and emotions I completely accept that it fears being abandoned by the wayside as I gradually move out of depression and into a healthier state of being.

I will not ignore my painful feelings, I will sit with them if they so need and let them take me where they need to go, but I will also not let them take over my existence. Depression is not, and will not, become my identity as it has in the past. Who I really am, or I could say what space within really is beyond all ideas of ‘me’ is more than those thoughts, indeed more than any thought, even the happy ones, but happy  and grateful thoughts are more conducive to my natural state of being, which is peace and acceptance.

The space is vast enough and loving enough to include the ego and its fears and judgements; there is space for emotional pain and even for depression, nothing is rejected or ignored, everything is accepted, because I know they are not the Life that sees and welcomes it all. It may believe it is, or want to be, but that is okay as well.

Gratitude is the ultimate okayness with everything, even the worst kinds of inner and outer experiences because, at the heart of it all, nothing has gone wrong.




Darkness and unknowing

It’s certainly not been an easy year. I’m slowly coming out the other side after a long period of emotional hibernation. I had no energy or inclination to put anything ‘out there’ while I was being pulled within to get intimate with my darkness and accept it. I can’t really say I understand it any better; in fact, the one thing I can say I’ve learned without a doubt is that I don’t really understand a thing. Maybe, though, that is the whole point.

My beliefs are being stripped away. All I am left with is the essence of my being, beyond all thoughts and concepts. I have spoken of this many times. I have explored it in depth. But all the so called knowledge has fallen by the wayside as the experience of unknowing knocked me to the ground.

I’m no stranger to myself; I had years of counselling where some extremely difficult memories and their associated emotions came to the fore. I’ve grown massively since then and feel I possess a large degree of self-awareness and understanding. But in the last few years something even deeper has been asked of me. Whilst therapy took me to a place of relative safety, a new awareness of who I was and what I represented, this is now crumbling away.

Where does that leave me? I feel I’m in a place of total emptiness, but it is okay. There is no sense of ‘me’ like there used to me, but at the same time I notice more clearly how my mind and emotions respond to people and situations. I see my depression as it claws into me, desperate to make its voice heard. I still sink into it and disappear for days, months, on end. There try not to hold onto ideas of spirituality other than what I experience in meditation, the silent awareness within and its connection with everything that exists. I experience and continue to experience many strange phenomena, but let them flow through without identification.

I am not able to force anything through a mental position. My mind says I should feel compassion for this or that, for this or that person, for humanity. Instead, I go into my heart, which is the centre of our being. I visualise it opening out to embrace everything including the deepest darkness, enveloping myself in the process.

I don’t really understand anything but I am learning not to fear it. All I can do is notice what my mind is doing, be intimate with my darkness, and remain open to it – as much as is possible on any given day. There may be a dramatic transformation but maybe the transformation is more in the slow gradual letting go of all I thought I knew and understood.





Spiritual awareness and depression: my experiences

Most people have triggers and issues that pull them into spiritual unconsciousness over and over again. For me it is depression. I have made the decision to mention it here because it’s something I need to write out so that it doesn’t fester in my mind. As I’m sure others with depression are aware, when those feelings are stuck inside you, they hold more power to suck you in deeper and deeper.

I am a very self-aware individual due to my long-term meditation practice and dedication to self-development. For that reason I have been able to study my mind and body, if not during a period of depression (although recently I have been able to do this) but after the darkness has lifted a little bit. From these inner explorations I have found that, perhaps inevitably, my depression is multifaceted. It is biological, mental, emotional and spiritual. Quite often it coincides with a significant worsening of my physical health, since I also suffer with a debilitating chronic illness. This may happen overnight and the root cause does not appear to be triggered by negative thinking or difficult emotions.  I believe the link may be inflammation, as is the case for other chronic illnesses that are associated with depression. But I am not a doctor; all I know is how I experience the link.

Once the depression takes over (as that is how it feels, like I have been taken over) I have to remain exceptionally mindful in order not to let the negative thinking take over and pull me further the black hole that is depression. During a typical episode, I wake up and experience the usual heaviness, fatigue and pain that is part and parcel of my physical problems, however, with depression in the mix it’s as if a thick grey curtain has been pulled over me so that I no longer sense any light. I have no desire or motivation to start the day, even though I force myself to get up and walk my dog who thankfully gives me that incentive to move.  My body has slowed down, I have no appetite, I couldn’t care less about doing the things that I enjoy despite my ill-health, such as playing the piano and reading. When I close my eyes (as I always feel exhausted) my mind pulls me back into various memories of the past, nothing difficult or substantial since I have spent years working through issues with a lot of success, but snippets of people or places, good and bad, as if to convince me my life is over now and all I have is the past, as hard as it often was. Other times it pulls me into the future, convincing me that I am doomed as every terrible thing that could happen, will, or reminding me that everything is temporary and there is no security to be found.  Sometimes I end up crying (often a difficult thing to do when really depressed, actually) when I picture life without my dog, or without any material security at all.

If I remain unaware at this point, a running commentary starts to accompany my bodily misery, such as ‘I don’t matter’ or ‘no one cares’ or ‘I’m so lonely’. If my mind really deteriorates which to be honest it has done a lot lately, I start to reinforce those painful thoughts by looking up quotes and images of depressed and lonely people.  I may listen to sad music that reinforces my depression and before I know it I’m questioning the point of my life, of all life despite my spiritual experiences, and feel profoundly separate and disconnected. Meditation feels pointless even if I could focus which I can’t, I can’t resonate with spiritual quotes or texts, can’t talk to anyone as they wouldn’t understand, and I feel the deep pain of inner emptiness. I have not gone as far as thinking about suicide, but I have found myself hoping that my life is not going to be a long one because I simply can’t bear this any longer.

How do I deal with this? Well as yet, I have no easy answers, but most often what happens is that a trickle of self-awareness seeps in and I’m able to step back, usually just for a few seconds, and realise I’ve spiralled into spiritual unawareness. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks before I have this moment of awareness, other times it can be just a day.  But regardless of how long it takes, there comes a time where I catch myself and witness what I’m doing. By witnessing, I don’t mean I can always pull myself out. I’m not talking about solutions or cures. Depression is an extremely complex illness and I have come to believe that it may not leave me completely, especially if there is a biological association with my existing problems. But there is freedom to be found in stepping back, remembering that I don’t always feel like this. Once I embrace this knowing, it becomes far easier to resist being pulled back into the darkness.

Just as the mind is enticing and addictive, so is depression. I find myself taking an almost masochistic pleasure in my painful feelings, needing to indulge them for all they’re worth. As I surrender into the misery, there’s a weird kind of relief that I don’t have to do anything more. No more effort, no more fight, no more craving, just nothingless. I can find others with depression and share how horrible it is. I can assume the identity of a depressed person; it’s a suit that is well-worn and understood. I will belong there in the hellpit. I can go back to sleep for ever and ever…

Only I can’t. I have awakened, and as many spiritual teachers say, once you’ve awakened you never really go back to sleep. You may try, but you never really can. This is absolutely true of my experience. This is also why I see a spiritual side to my depression, or what is called a dark night. There is a biological root to it, but like with many depressions, from my personal understanding, there takes many triggers and environmental issues to reinforce their role in someone’s life, which are unique to everyone. For me, depression is a recurring issue, and perhaps there is a message there in learning to understand how to deal with it and accept why it is in my life. After all, it is part of me, and born from a series of wounds that demand attention. There may come a time when I no longer need my depression, or I can hope.

In the meantime, I am meditating regularly, watching my thoughts and emotions, and reminding myself that everything is transient, including a depressive state, and I am aware of it all flowing before me like a river down to the sea of life which encompasses every thing and rejects no thing.








Holding Texas in my heart

I haven’t updated my blog much recently; I’ve been reading others, but I haven’t had much inclination to post anything myself. I don’t want to write for the sake of writing but when the need takes me. Today is one of those days.

I feel almost guilty sitting in my nice home on a hot and sunny bank holiday Monday in the UK all the while watching horrific images on my TV screen of what the people of Texas are going through right now for no other reason other than the fact they live in Texas.

I have tried to imagine my entire street,  community, town under water and the pain and devastation of that, but it is beyond my ability to imagine. However,  as a fellow human being, I do know fear and suffering.

Among the helplessness I feel at knowing there is nothing I can do, it occured to me that the one course of action that remains open to me is to open my heart and express love and compassion for all those affected.

It’s not much I know; it isn’t going to rescue people from flooded homes or help build new ones or stop the rain from falling, but it’s all I have to offer.

Texas, I feel your pain. I am hoping and praying you will all be safely rescued and you find support, shelter and love from those around you in the time to come.


Our tiny Earth

Tears in my eyes..

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero […]

via Carl Sagan ~ Look at that dot — Herzzentrale