Purging

I had a rather unpleasant dream last night which was probably in response to yesterday’s post where I let my ego know that the less than positive thoughts, emotions and ways of being are also accepted. This has led me to believe that some purging may be taking place within my being as old energies are processed this way.

In the dream, my ex husband (who represents old patterns such as fear, manipulation, anger, feeling small and unworthy) was colluding with me in plans to stab the residents who now live at my previous address. The details are at times vague, but I recall walking with him along a road near where I lived as a child (this is not the same area where my previous address is, but dreams often combine aspects to make a point) towards my childhood home, which was now the same as my previous address. At some point he disappeared, then returned running saying he had stabbed one to death, but couldn’t kill the others, so we had to get away…fast. I was consumed by fear, and we ran.

The dream changed a bit and I was now inside my current home but I had a complete view of my previous address, which was now boarded up and had police tape around it due to the attacks. I could just see into my old bedroom and I realised my old journals and diaries were still there. I desperately wanted to retrieve them but realised I  could not because I would draw attention to myself and at that point no one knew I was involved in the attacks. There were a few other people around me but I felt completely isolated in my knowledge of what had happened. I wanted to reach out and say how I felt but I was too scared. What if they judged me? What if I was sent down for murder? I had never felt so trapped in my life.

Then I found myself outside a building where I was going to see a woman about my upcoming trial. Presumably I had been charged with something but the dream did not show this. Somehow I knew the woman was not a lawyer. I walked in and she told me to simply tell it as it is…tell the truth.

There was a trial but some of the dream is vague. However, I vividly recall taking a break and going to the toilet. While sitting on it my ex husband appeared outside and asked me what I was saying to the jury. I was scared because I knew deep down he would be charged with murder but I would not. He pulled the toilet door open and started to attack me. He lashed at my face and so I turned and lashed back at him. As we were engaged in this fight, I saw a face at a window watching us. Again, I felt intense fear, this time that the man watching would see that I could be violent and believe me capable of the terrible murders. Maybe I would be charged after all and sent to prison.

Unfortunately I don’t know how the dream ended, but perhaps that is the point. In dreams as in life, the power is in my hands. I don’t feel any obvious animosity towards my ex in my waking life. However, what he represents in me is most significant: fear. The references to my childhood home and my old address both point to old identities and ways of being that perhaps feel under attack as I move to healthier ways of being. The need for my diaries and journals, in which I recorded my emotions since I was 16 years old, suggest attachment to certain energies and experiences that I use to define my self.

Feeling trapped and fearing prison re all about judgement, feeling on trial, which both have their foundations in fear and limitation. Underneath it all is a terrible sense of disconnect and separation, feelings so extreme that I colluded with my ex to murder someone (a part of my being) and felt such shame that I feared being sent down for it. I notice that using the term ‘down’ can also be understood metaphorically as I travel into the depths of my subsconscious! The toilet also points to shame and the need to let go, but also, conversely, feeling unable to do so (ex throwing open the door).

I am grateful that my subconscious has thrown up these energies in my nightly dream: In making the subconscious conscious, I can be aware of what demands my attention and welcome it, even those things which refuse to leave or pull me into thoughts and feelings I would prefer not to have. In the depth of my being, everything is accepted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Note to self

Most people are doing the best they can with what they have/know, even if it doesn’t seem like it (and it often doesn’t!). This doesn’t mean one can’t feel angry/frustrated/sad/peed off/whatever in response to another person or situation, or have to be understanding or grateful no matter what! It’s about being aware of ourselves and others, aware that no one knows what is going on with someone else, or what brought them to where they are today. Above all it’s about being gentle with yourself even if you don’t feel the way you wish you did or behaved how you wanted to. You are where you are for a reason even if it makes no sense, and you’re doing just great in this mysterious game we call life.

Ultimate okayness with everything

I’ve been noticing how my bid to nurture a more positive and grateful mindset on a daily basis has provoked the ego into making judgements about the darker thoughts and feelings that also, naturally, crop up from time to time.

To my limited ego, focusing on happiness and gratitude is like saying ‘Sorry, you can’t feel sad/angry/jealous/frustrated/inset other word anymore.’ It tries very hard to get it right because it thinks it is always getting it wrong.

I want my ego to know that it isn’t getting it wrong at all. I understand why it feels that way. As the witness to my thoughts and emotions I completely accept that it fears being abandoned by the wayside as I gradually move out of depression and into a healthier state of being.

I will not ignore my painful feelings, I will sit with them if they so need and let them take me where they need to go, but I will also not let them take over my existence. Depression is not, and will not, become my identity as it has in the past. Who I really am, or I could say what space within really is beyond all ideas of ‘me’ is more than those thoughts, indeed more than any thought, even the happy ones, but happy  and grateful thoughts are more conducive to my natural state of being, which is peace and acceptance.

The space is vast enough and loving enough to include the ego and its fears and judgements; there is space for emotional pain and even for depression, nothing is rejected or ignored, everything is accepted, because I know they are not the Life that sees and welcomes it all. It may believe it is, or want to be, but that is okay as well.

Gratitude is the ultimate okayness with everything, even the worst kinds of inner and outer experiences because, at the heart of it all, nothing has gone wrong.