I’ve been noticing how my bid to nurture a more positive and grateful mindset on a daily basis has provoked the ego into making judgements about the darker thoughts and feelings that also, naturally, crop up from time to time.
To my limited ego, focusing on happiness and gratitude is like saying ‘Sorry, you can’t feel sad/angry/jealous/frustrated/inset other word anymore.’ It tries very hard to get it right because it thinks it is always getting it wrong.
I want my ego to know that it isn’t getting it wrong at all. I understand why it feels that way. As the witness to my thoughts and emotions I completely accept that it fears being abandoned by the wayside as I gradually move out of depression and into a healthier state of being.
I will not ignore my painful feelings, I will sit with them if they so need and let them take me where they need to go, but I will also not let them take over my existence. Depression is not, and will not, become my identity as it has in the past. Who I really am, or I could say what space within really is beyond all ideas of ‘me’ is more than those thoughts, indeed more than any thought, even the happy ones, but happy and grateful thoughts are more conducive to my natural state of being, which is peace and acceptance.
The space is vast enough and loving enough to include the ego and its fears and judgements; there is space for emotional pain and even for depression, nothing is rejected or ignored, everything is accepted, because I know they are not the Life that sees and welcomes it all. It may believe it is, or want to be, but that is okay as well.
Gratitude is the ultimate okayness with everything, even the worst kinds of inner and outer experiences because, at the heart of it all, nothing has gone wrong.